Having a Heart to Heart is Good for the Heart

Sometimes when you hear about certain statistics it really makes you think about the seriousness of those numbers. The one that gets me the most is that one out of every two marriages end in divorce. I always wonder how two people can be so much in love and then end up separating because of one reason or another and they can’t get along anymore. What in their world went wrong? When you look at the same thing on a larger scale, the wars and disputes between countries, it’s no wonder nations of people can’t get along when two people can’t make a marriage work. I realize that people are as diverse as there are stars in the sky, there are those that are especially complicated, and those individuals that are simpler. Nevertheless, it is still a scary statistic that one out of two marriages ends in divorce.

Everyone is looking for someone. Think about all the single people you know and how they are always looking for someone to share their life with. Dating sites and match making organizations are tremendously popular and with good reason. No one really wants to be or end up alone. Sometimes I think that people don’t try hard enough to make a marriage last. When you first started your relationship, it was based on mutual attraction, and it was all about being deeply in love. Since the love was once there, or perhaps it still is, you should do everything you can to help your marriage persevere. As the two of you spend more time together, there is no doubt that your loving relationship will change, and by changing, it should become deeper and more committed. You have invested a lot of time and energy in building a loving relationship; doesn’t it make sense to you that you should do everything you can to keep it together? Of course it does.

Communication in a relationship or marriage is critically important and perhaps the biggest reason why a marriage breaks down in the first place. A couple just stops talking to each other and as a result they each fail to recognize what’s important to them and their spouse. One person in a marriage can get so wrapped up in his or herself that they end up neglecting the needs, wants, and what makes their mate happy. There is no place for selfishness or a self-centered attitude in a loving and caring relationship. When this happens the marriage becomes one sided.

Many times problems in a marriage will develop when couples don’t take the time to talk to each other. One thing I have seen that may be just as important or at least secondary to not communicating is spousal neglect. It seems that one spouse will take the other spouse for granted and spend more time than they should with their friends and associates. We all need to have friends but it is important that you achieve a balance between the time you spend with your spouse and the time you spend with your friends. After all you married your spouse and not your friends. A good marriage will be flexible enough to allow time for you and your spouse to spend time with your personal friends. For example, a night out with the boys, or a night out with the girls. An excellent marriage should give the both of you as a couple to have friendships with other couples and things you enjoy doing together.

Having a successful marriage requires work and a commitment. There will be events that will happen during the course of your day and over time that will cause stress in every relationship. It’s important that you and your spouse have a keen understanding and learn to properly manage those stresses. Do your best not to let the stress of your job, raising children, and other daily factors get in the way. Learn to work together to handle them and always set aside a time to talk, be close, and intimate. If your marriage is going to grow and mature, both of you will need to support each other, and be there for each other. Here are some ideas to help you along.

1. Create spontaneity in your marriage. Do something special last minute.

2. Plan to have a date night a couple of times a month, let someone else take care of the kids, and go out and do something special that you both enjoy.

3. Come up with many different things that you and your spouse enjoy doing together, you know what they say about variety, right?

4. Reminisce about your experiences and how you felt about each other when you were first going together and the early days of your marriage. Figure out a way to rekindle those feelings and experiences and do them again. If you both work together you can claim that passion you both once had.

I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to keep the lines of communication open. You need to set aside times with your spouse to discuss your family dynamics and family issues. You both need to work through them together and create solutions that will have a positive influence on your marriage and family. By doing so, your relationship and family dynamics will be stronger and more stable. These discussions should be a private time, with no interruptions, and after the kids are in bed. If your private discussions are more about your relationship with your spouse than what’s going on with your family, friends, and jobs, then it is critically important that you both be honest with each other. You need to understand and support each other’s concerns. This is absolutely vital in maintaining trust and making your marriage stronger.

Make sure you and your spouse give each other time to talk and express your feelings and thoughts without interrupting. I know it’s hard to resist the need to interject your point of view, but it’s important that you let it go and then express yourself when it’s your turn. If all you do is interrupt each other, the issues and concerns will never be resolved, and you will be no better off than when you first started. It is also important that you support each other by expressing and sharing your thoughts and concerns. Give your spouse the confidence he or she needs and that they need not worry about how you will react. We are all human, well most of us anyway, and you need to encourage your partner to be open and honest.

We all have our own ideas, feelings, thoughts, and philosophy and because of our very nature we must compromise. Be considerate of your partner and learn to complement each other so your relationship can grow and mature. Try not to allow others outside of the relationship with your spouse to influence your thoughts and feelings. That’s not an easy thing to do as sometimes we allow others to guide or own actions. When this happens we end up feeling uneasy or unsure about what to say and consequently we hold back when it comes to sharing our real and deep concerns with our spouse.

Concentrate on the here and now and look for ways to strengthen your marriage for the future. Forget about the past, because that is what it is, the past, its history, over and done with, and you can’t change it. Learn from it, forget about it, and move on. When a problem or issue arises don’t ignore it hoping it will go away. Sometimes it does, but more often than not, it needs to be addressed and resolved. Ignoring it will only make it worse in some cases, and even if the problem doesn’t get worse, it is still there. Try to resolve it as soon as you can.

You and your spouse will be surprised and sometimes amazed at how having a good old fashioned heart to heart about your problems will often times bring about a solution just by discussing it. Just be careful not to fall back into old ways that are counterproductive. Give each other ample time to talk and really listen to what your spouse is saying. Brainstorm, you know what they say about two heads, right? Pick the right time to have these conversations with quality time, even if you have to put the kids to bed a little earlier, or get up before breakfast, because it is that important in an effort to bring you closer together.

Don’t digress and don’t get side tracked. Stay focused, if you feel your spouse is getting off track, don’t become antagonistic, calmly and rationally come back to the issue at hand and begin working on a solution. It is easy to get side tracked, but if you and your spouse really love each other, then you should be able to respectfully remind your spouse on the problem being discussed.

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression, “a marriage made in Heaven,” in reality, I don’t think that it really exists. I know of a number of marriages that are really great where the couples have been married for thirty, forty, and fifty years or more. While these marriages appear to be ‘perfect’ they still have problems from time to time. Those couples have an attitude and a philosophy that we could all learn from, and basically that is, there isn’t anything they can’t work out together. When you are having these conversations or discussions, be Zen, and the both of you check your egos at the door.

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